


How's death treating you?

by DoomsdayMadeMeCry



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Fluffy as hell, Friendship/Love, Ghost Sex, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Multichapter, Psychological Drama, ghost love story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-10-23 05:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10713504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomsdayMadeMeCry/pseuds/DoomsdayMadeMeCry
Summary: “Exciting at first... then, life became boring without you. Now it feels as if I needed someone to sew my shadow back to me, give me back my breath. Because I'm drowning in this monotony. It was too late when I realised that a throne wasn't worth your heartbeat”. During L's first death anniversary his ghost comes to pay Light a visit. Could death change everything? L/Light





	1. It was a funeral

That evening it rained furiously outside the, almost, empty flat. It was November the fifth again, a night of treason. His treason. They said time heals everything, but, when you murder your best friend in cold blood forgetting gets complicated. Now, in the silent loneliness of a moonlight lit bedroom, he remembered what happened a year ago. He knew.

At the moment he didn't realise his best friend was aware of his fate, he imagined that the cause of that sombre expression was dissatisfaction, because Higuchi died when they were so close to solve the case, he would have been the key he needed to unlock the truth. Precisely for that reason, he-also- killed Higuchi, well, and to recover the ownership of the note.

L Lawliet,  _ -yes, say his name goddammit, keeping it vetoed from your thoughts won't bring L back to life-  _ knew, a fateful and stormy afternoon at a rooftop that he was going to die.  _ It wasn't a wedding Lawliet, those allegorical bells rang for your funeral.  _ Useless things. Was it the guilt talking when he asked him to stop with his musings? Or maybe, most likely, he didn't understand back then. It was his glorious moment, L's downfall, meaning Kira's self-proclamation as Lord of everything. God. He was too immersed in his own ego to realise L knew, because: how that looser could have known? He was being bested, and he gave up to fall into the silk-soft grave Light had dug specifically for him. But here's the worst: he gave up aware.

“Well, Lawliet, it's been a year. A long year without you... cheers” Light said pouring some whisky and initiating the motion to drink.

“Cheers, Light-kun, don't choke on it” whispered a very well-known voice.

Light turned instantly. His face went pale at what he saw, for it was impossible.

“You can't be alive. My plan was perfect, there's no way you could have avoided the shinigami”.

“I didn't” Lawliet answered plainly, standing by the door, looking like he always did, maybe a bit paler.

“So...” Light was unavoidably drawn to the spooky reality, this was L's ghost. L came up for revenge.

“I'm dead”.

L sat on Light's bed, looking at him with curiosity. He put both hands on his knees, as he used to, and stood there, like he did in most of Light's guilt nightmares.

“Do it then” Light murmured.

“Do what?”.

“Kill me! Isn't this what you came for? You stubborn asshole, just kill me at once! You wanted revenge? Then come and take it!”.

“Wow” L started saying “I didn't think one year of your delirious reign would have done this to you. If I had known that this could happen in my absence I would have stayed by your side” he mocked him. And that's when the spectral figure of L did the most unusual thing. He laughed. A lot.

“What...” Light regained his composure “what do you mean?”.

“I didn't come to kill you. I just wanted to pay a visit to my friend, see if your delusions had gone worse, by the way, you haven't disappointed me, and chat for a while. I know I could have come any time sooner, but I chose this night for dramatic effect. I almost gave you a heart attack, that would have made us even I guess”.

Light felt surprised, as he sat beside L. That weird, now dead, man was joking, as if he didn't know who Light was, what happened between them.

“But, I'm Kira”.

“Yes, and I've always known. Obviously. I'm hardly ever wrong”.

Light couldn't come out of his astonishment, L was back. He laughed. Back for real. Never, in the entire year, Light had felt this happy. At the begining he was ecstatic, because of the new assortment of possibilities L's death offered for the creation of his awaited New World. But, as months passed by, he only grew more bored and drowned in despair. He missed L. He missed his steady breathing, the stimulating mental games, his obsession with sweets, his emotionless but categorical voice, his scruffy looks, his mannerisms, his endless eyes, the way he could see through him, the conversations... being handcuffed forced them to grow closer. Those months they were each other's shadows, where one went the other would follow, being chained to him had being like living not just physically connected to him, but mentally too. And then he died.  _ He was killed. _

L was laughing too. They had never been this happy around each other, acting like friends would.

_ I've missed you so much.  _ “I've missed you so much”.

L looked taken aback.

“I certainly didn't expect to hear that”.  _ Shit, I said it out loud.  _ Light thought. “Isn't this what you wanted? What Kira wanted? I'm dead, and your enemy... well, not any more, but why would you miss me?”.


	2. Boredom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So, this is chapter two. Nice and fluffy... at this rate chapter three and four will kill us all with its cuteness.  
> Anyway, hope you like it! Please, leave a comment if you do and some lovely kudos. ^.^  
> I leave you to read the chapter, also, thanks for reading the a/n. Sometimes most people prefer to get to the story sooner, but, if you took the time to read this, thank you very much!

“Because it's not enough” Light doubted for a second if he should tell him, but L was dead, he could allow himself to be careless this time. Anyway, when would he have the chance to speak to him again?

“Being Kira gave purpose to my life, creating a world, a good world is what I am meant for. But there's this thrill too, when you appeared at TV, you started our game. Even if it was a twisted kind, about killing each other. You challenged me, were able to pull tricks and anticipate my train of thought, nobody has ever bested me or even got close, but you did. Granted that I had advantage, I knew everything you didn't, you could only theorise how I killed, which is the principal reason why I managed to win, along with your stubbornness. But you always knew who I was. For a brief time I had an equal, I've never met anyone as intellectually capable as me before that day at the entrance exams”. Light said emotionless, in spite of the nostalgia his words held.

“When this year began, I thought everything was perfect. I had killed you, you fell defeated, I dethroned you and the entire taskforce believed in my innocence. I'd pretend to be you, the world wouldn't even notice. I used to imagine you squirming inside your tomb at the idea of me tainting your name, ruining years of work, giving an image of a detective who wasn't able to find Kira, because, we've made no progress since you died” Light gave a soft laugh “Not even my father could look me in the eye to ask me about my thoughts on the case. They thought I was depressed. So nobody mentions you, they pretend you didn't even exist, to avoid 'hurting'” he said the word in a mocking tone “me. To them I am a poor young boy that lost his friend, and is being ripped apart by the idea of having to replace him, for he is the only one smart enough to do so. If they only knew how mistaken they are”. 

Light laughed hysterically, and all of a sudden stopped. L was confused, but angry above all. 

“Until it was true. This two months I've found myself checking my left wrist, truly feeling the weight of a chain like a phantom limb, looking to my left, expecting to find you. I started wondering for how long had I done that. Once Ryuk, my shinigami,” he explained “saw I realised, he laughed in my face and told me I've been like this ever since you died. That's why the others don't touch the topic, because they noticed how I behaved unconsciously, as if you were still here”.

L's anger disappeared, now he only felt disgruntled.

“Maybe you are going crazy and I am a hallucination, making you feel guilty”he answered, not knowing what to say.

“No, you are a ghost”Light said confidently “ If I wanted to feel guilty you wouldn't be here. This is reassuring, and that can't be a mere product of my mind, if I seeked reassurance my brain would simply erase you. You are really you”.

They stared at each other for what felt like ages. It was nice. Being next to someone not needing to talk, just feeling content with the other's presence. L didn't move from his position, only his toes made some kind of motion.

“Maybe you have Stockholm Syndrome” he broke the silence.

“Well,” Light laughed at such an inappropriate comment after a long silence “that, certainly, wouldn't be my fault”.

“You were the one who requested to be imprisoned, don't forget that” L smiled playfully.

“Things are extremely boring since you've been gone. There's no adrenaline, just Misa being annoying and the useless taskforce”.

“I am bored too. Being dead isn't half as interesting as everyone says it is”.

“What? Heaven isn't good enough for the great L?” Light joked.

“I spent sometime there. But nobody dies or steals or commits crimes in heaven, there are no cases. No Kira case. It's like being in forced holidays for eternity, they don't even have cake”.

“No way” Light faked surprise “Who would have thought that a bunch of ghosts wouldn't eat?”.

“I don't find it funny Light-kun. My cravings haven't diminished in my current state. You should eat more too” Light glanced at him raising an eyebrow “I've been watching you, you make a very good source of entertainment, recently you only feed on coffee and the salads Amane leaves half eaten”.

“L, are you trying to lecture me on healthy habits?”.

“No, I don't care what kind of food you eat, but the quantity. We wouldn't want you to pick up Second Kira's eating disorders”.

“Why have you been watching me?” Light asked this seriously, from the moment L came back he wanted to know the reason behind it, and he didn't believe it was to talk.

“When I died it was quite strange. It is not as they say in literature, you don't gently go out of your body and, surprisingly, see yourself from the outside. You feel paralysed inside. Every sensation previous to your death remains frozen” Light looked at L, wondering if that meant he kept feeling a deep pain in the chest “I still felt falling, the pain of the heart attack, I saw that cruel smile of yours. That kept me going, knowing I was right all along. I think I spent days in that state, until it slowly went away and I felt as if I was sinking, and when my body (or my soul) reached the bottom: I woke up. I saw my entire life, each event at the same time, a boy crying and the deafening sound of church bells. There was nothing then. After death there's nothingness, the place where we all go to. Although, heaven exists. In that vast region I found myself in, empty, I thought I was completely alone; so, as it is natural, the idea of exploring it to see if my theory turned out to be correct was the first thing that came to my mind. Time passed, it didn't matter how further I went, it seemed as if I hadn't moved at all. I grew frustrated. My efforts were useless and I wished I could find someone, to ask about my new existence, to know more about it. You'd understand Light, how curious I was, my brain pleaded for answers”. 

They looked at each other, of course he understood, Light would have done exactly the same thing. The brunette waited patiently for L to continue explaining what happened. 

“By wanting to find someone I simply vanished and reappeared where Watari, and some other acquaintances (many killed by you), gathered, that's what I like to think we call heaven. In the end, heaven is just company. I remained by their side for a long period, we chatted about everything. Later on, I realised they weren't the company I craved, they lacked something, I felt bored. I started wondering what course would the Kira case have taken. As it seemed to work the last time, I thought about you, and concentrated to find you, I knew you would have taken over my position. That's how, a few months ago, I appeared at your flat”. 

Light shuddered at the idea of L watching all of his movements for months now.  _ How much did he see?  _

“I must say that, when you ask him to leave, the shinigami is a good source of conversation” Ryuk knew L was haunting him all this time...  _ that bastard didn't tell me.  _ “I don't know how you cope with Amane, she's so irritating”.

“It is necessary, she has the eye”.

“I know, the shinigami told me”.

“What, exactly has Ryuk told you?”  _ that stupid shinigami. _

“Well, he began to tell me about all the tricks you used to avoid getting caught, I was really displeased when I heard what you did to Misora, but I couldn't stop being interested. The shinigami seemed to like that, because he started talking to me more as days passed. You didn't notice, of course, for you the shinigami's absence was a miracle. He plans to kill you, you know? He doesn't stop saying how interesting you are and how he will enjoy killing you”.

“That's the first thing Ryuk told me when I met him”.

“You are being unusually talkative” Light could see through L's thought process, and knew where he was going to.

“You came to talk, didn't you? Anyway, you mean why I am so unconcerned telling you this. If you had wanted to go and reveal a confession, or uncover my identity, you would have done so already. That makes me think you might have a plan b, but it doesn't involve your participation, so I don't need to worry. We are friends now, no?”.

“We've always being friends, Light”.

“No, when you were alive we had to be suspicious. I wasn't honest with you and you weren't honest with me. As much as we both would have liked things to be different, we were meant to be the murderer of the other, there was no trust. I had already told you, I don't understand how you called me your friend nor I believed I was such a thing to you”.

“And I answered that in spite of who you really are I can't change the fact that I care about you, it's just how it is”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this chapter!!! I hope you liked it.  
> For whoever did not notice, L said that heaven is company, which indirectly means that Light is his heaven. The only company L craves for is Light's. He hasn't realised yet how meaningful those words were... but he wiiiiill~  
> And that's it! 'Till the next chapter. :3


	3. Me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's chapter three. I hope you enjoy it!!! It has a lot of fluff, and some angst (I think fluff works better with angst), you have been warned. So, I leave you to the story. ^.^

Light felt slightly surprised by the notion that L's friendship had always been true. He thought that when L said that he found a friend in him, it was said as a deception, an elaborated mind game to uncover his true identity. Even that night, at a time he didn't remember, when he told him that he saw him as a friend, regardless who he was, Light still couldn't bring himself to believe it. But now, things were different. L didn't pose as a threat any more, so maybe they could be... real friends? It seemed like a good idea. After all, Light had been missing L ever since he died, so why not bring things back to how they were? No, to how they should have been.

“I... don't know what to say. I guess I believe you, and god, I never thought I would ever say that to you” Light answered bewildered.

“We have honesty then, good to hear”.

Silence.

“How long are you staying?” Light said, realising that L might be gone as fast as he came.

“Staying? It's not like I am going to leave, I already told you, heaven is boring. I've found no better place than this, I am no longer needed anywhere else. So that's it” L answered plainly.

“So... when I die...”.

“I'll be there, and after that we are free”.

It amazed Light to no end how L could say something that carried such a deep meaning as a blunt statement. That side of him, so innocent holding the truth, pure as a drop of water, childlike almost, was breathtaking. Not that he would ever admit it.

“L, that might take years” Light stated, passing over the fact that L said he would always be with him “there's no way you can know for sure if you won't get bored by then”.

“I'm sure you'll be a fine source of entertainment in the meantime”L replied confident, probably because he knew that Light's days were counted. His successors were trained, and capable of bringing Kira down.

Another period of silence went by.

Light moved his hand trying to grasp the ghostly one, but it only went through thin air. The brunette let himself fall backwards onto the bed, facing the ceiling. A sigh escaped his mouth. Even after all barriers seemed to be faded, they still remained at opposite sides of the spectrum. For how long would they stay as reflections enclosed in the same mirror? L gave him a curious gaze.

“Why didn't you just tell me you were Kira?” he mused, deep in thought.

“You must be joking. Do you think I have a death-wish?”.

“That will be an answer for another time” L avoided the question. “But if you had told me I could have helped you. Of course, I would have taken you to justice, don't misunderstand me. You deserve to pay for your crimes. But, instead of dying, you could have spent the sentence under my custody, fighting for justice from my side, with my resources, both of us. Unstoppable”.

“That's a beautiful dream, but only a dream. The battle could only end when one of us died, we shaped the events that way. Deceiving ourselves into thinking otherwise will only bring us unnecessary pain” Light affirmed as a pre-recorded statement.

“Is that what you did while I was gone?”.

“Why do you say so?”.

“Because you are in pain. Now you barely sleep either, some bags are starting to form under your eyes, I saw you trying to cover them every morning” L, as always, hit the nail in the head. “Your father has noticed, they are all worried about you”.

“Are you?” Light asked, dismissing the thought of the entire taskforce pitying him.

“Light. I am dead”.

“I fucking know. And it's your own fault” Light raised his voice slightly, sounding very frustrated.

“Excuse me?” L asked puzzled by the idea that his murderer blamed him for his own death.

“Why did you have to die? You were supposed to pull through with that mind of yours, figuring me out and knowing, like always, how to fight back. I expected you to. And now I'm alone with those idiots, nobody able to understand my task. After all the things you've being able to do, for crying out loud, you are the most brilliant being I've ever encountered! We were meant to be equals, aiming to defeat each other, but unable to. We had reached a critical point. You broke, in the end you couldn't avoid me, your failure meant everything: my disappointment, the weight of the world, L's downfall...”.

By that time, L knew Light was having all the grieving he had contained for months without even knowing it. The depression he talked about finally reaching the surface.

“Did you like my gift? I gave you a confession, it was the least I could do. My last mercy: a smile. Confirmation to all of your thoughts and just me, telling you that you were painfully magnificent, a decadent kind of genius”. He kept rambling, L listened carefully. “You make me sooo angry. It looked so pathetic, your last attempt 'the shinigami',” Light mocked “if you had connected the dots faster, maybe in those last seconds you would have been able to ruin me. And, oh! You knew so well I was going to get you killed. Nice show drying my feet, quite biblical, you managed to carve that moment in my mind. Sometimes I have nightmares where the scene plays over again, and, when we touch, we burn” Light put a particular emphasis on the word “to the very bone, until our agonizing screams fade out while the wind wipes our ashes”.

“You are a waste,” L mumbled sadly “a waste of intelligence and talent. You could have done so many things with your brain, and you decided to kill”. L continued patiently. “I have resorted to drastic measures when necessary, but killing is the most atrocious act anyone can commit, and I know a thing or two about the topic. I've seen things you wouldn't even imagine since I was a child. While you where given colouring books, I had to look at crime scene pictures to find the rapist and killer of an eight year old girl. How dare you justify what you do with righteousness? You talk about disappointment? My friend, my equal, is the thing I find most repulsive in this world: a murderer. It may have started with good intentions, but now you are just a corrupted power-hungry maniac that self-prides on being better than anyone when you are just pitiful” L finished, his monotone voice unalterable for the duration of the speech

“I am tired, L” Light said, the closest he would get to an apology, because he understood L.

“If you are grieving, you should just say so” Lawliet didn't look at him. From his sitting position he simply observed the cold night displayed by the window.

Light laughed.

“You have being psychoanalysing me since you came, why?”.

“The task force aren't the only ones worried”.

“If you are worried, you should just say so” Light mimicked him. “I'm fine, though”.

“No, you are not”. L looked at his reflection on the glass. “Your button-up has an irregular folding pattern in the sleeves, looking asymmetric, because they were ironed hastily” the younger man seemed sceptical. “The Light I know would notice that. Furthermore, you didn't brush your hair this morning, not even when we were handcuffed you stopped with your OCD compulsions, in spite of knowing that might raise my suspicions. Yesterday, while Misa asked you about her business trip, you were eating biscuits. I know you hate them. Also, Misa wanted your permission to go to Paris because she's afraid, not for approval. Amane might be many things, but scared of you, when she's known who you were all this time? Unlikely. She felt concerned because of today, her infatuation with you makes her susceptible to any change you might suffer. In fact, you have received eighty messages from her, asking you if you were okay. Amane should be a fine indicator. But, if you want to ignore that, let's just talk about how you pound into her every night, to the extreme she asks you to stop hurting her. What's more, I'm 100% certain you don't obtain pleasure from those sexual relationships, you use Amane as an evasion method. Kira is a murderer, not a women abuser. So, answering your questioning look, yes, I'm sure you are not fine”.

“That's an amazing profiling job, I guess when you said that had you known this where to happen you would have stayed, was a way of testing my reaction to confirm the whole theory. All this chat has been a psychological evaluation” Light stood up from bed. _If I could punch you, I would, you stupid perverted bastard._

“I'll help you” _What? You tell me all of this to suddenly change your mind?_ “I didn't say what I did to challenge or accuse you, I wanted to prove that I understand everything”.

Light looked inside of L's empty eyes trying to find a hidden scheme, but L seemed to be telling the truth.

“You exasperate me. If I could touch you, I would have punched you” he answered, making the tension go away.

L smiled.

“It was always nice fighting with you”.

And it was true, physical violence was only a deeper dimension of their mind games, when they hit each other they sent a message. The task force never really understood. Neither were good with emotional exteriorization and, most times, speaking was done mentally, predicting each other's thoughts. Punches and kicks transformed into another way of non-verbal communication, granted that it usually transmitted negative messages, but it helped to analyse their counterparts mindset just fine.

Half an hour passed until L broke the silence.

“You said you were tired. Go to sleep”.

Light answered with a deep breath, accompanied by a “Yes, I should try to”.

Slowly, he laid down, making himself a comfortable place under the white bed sheets. His eyes closed with difficulty, in part afraid that L would leave, and also not used to the happy feeling of rest. Still, he was uneasy. The fabric surrounded Light's body, soft and welcoming, but it did no good. L watched as Light constantly turned.

“Light,” he whispered holding his mistreated left wrist as he laid down too “relax”.

The youth calmed under the faint illusion of pressure, looking at his friend thankfully until his eyelids eventually settled. He fell asleep smiling beside L's spectral figure.

 

* * *

Light opened his eyes, surprised to find himself inside of a place he instantly recognised. The old taskforce's headquarters. It still smelled new, of furniture that had just been bought, and, somehow, sterile like a hospital. All computers ready to work processing criminal files, even the documents remained on the desks, waiting for his father or some other member, to analyse the data. Everything appeared to be untouched, as if time had forgiven the place and the memories it kept. _What is going on?_ Light asked himself, disturbed by the idea that the last year had been a product of his imagination.

“I thought you might like it” L's voice said from behind. “Although, it's only a dream”.

“I see... so being dead also allows you to get inside people's dreams” Light muttered, more to himself, as he was stating the obvious, than for L to hear.

“I didn't know for sure, it's the first time I actually do it. You keep control of most of the dream, but it seems that I can make minor changes. For example...” some piano music started to sound.

“Why didn't you come before?” Light said looking at L, who was now by his side.

“I was waiting for the right moment” he answered without breaking eye contact.

“That's the most generic answer you've ever given me”.

“Probably" L shrugged."Would you like to play?” Where the computers could initially be found, now there was only a chess board on the table, alongside the pieces.

_Of course chess, how fitting._ “I don't see why not”.

They sat on their chairs, Light at the right and L crouched on the left one.

“I suppose you'll be playing with white”.

“As always”.

Nothing more was stated, with the pieces in place Light opened the game. He remember the period spent handcuffed to L, back then, they used to play chess when they were alone. Both agreed it helped them think. It was fun too, a challenging and frustrating kind of fun, neither had ever found a worthy opponent before, so the match could take hours. Chess held a deep symbolism, Light had won their last game.

After what appeared to be ages, Light started to lose focus, L's dishevelled locks touching his cheek were distracting. _Touching my cheek..._ the youth realised the proximity. L was so concentrated that he didn't notice until he turned his head, to find his friend's face inches away from his.

“Light” he whispered, no emotion could be identified in his voice, as usual.

“Yes?” Light fixed his eyes on the dark ones.

“The game” L said, checking if he had paid attention to his latest move. To which Light answered reciting the few he had left. “I win”.

“I know” he sounded confident, no hint of nervousness in his eyes, open and truthful.

“What now?”.

L watched as Light took his hand, moving it from the board he then pushed away. The fact that they could touch surprised both to an extent, of course the dream explained it, but it became overwhelming with the thought that this was how they could have been.

“It almost seems as if you weren't dead” he breathed heavily.

“Light, would you mind...?”.

“Oh, right” he let L's hand go, believing it was making him feel uncomfortable.

“Not that, this” L said, the ghost of a smile on his face, as he closed he gap between them.

Light couldn't think, the sweet pressure seemed to transmit throughout his entire body, with a collective response that could only be described as chaotic, it felt as if his stomach had jumped bumping against his heart, making it skip a beat. He melted like a candle did to the sinuous dance of fire, sinking into L's lips.

“I've always wondered how it would...” L started saying, flushed, almost out of breath.

“Me too”.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading, and specially for commenting and leaving kudos! :3  
> Next part will be quite... intense.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people!!!! Here it is... finally. Chapter four!!! I hope you all enjoy it, this one's a bit more intense than the others, and more angsty too, but I gave you some fluff, after all, to compensate.  
> THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL THE LOVELY PEOPLE WHO COMMENTED.  
> Tell me what you think about this chapter in the comment section below!!

**E** ver since he could remember, Light could have said that his life seemed like a catalogue of monotony. Every day more boring than the last one. As a child, he knew that there was something wrong with him, he learned to speak prematurely and taught himself to read two years before he was supposed to be able to. He never found it easy to connect with the rest of the children. At primary school he used hiragana and katakana with ease, furthermore, he could read more than five thousand kanji. While he wanted to speak about how he had started to read Edogawa, his classmates asked him if he was willing to exchange pokemon cards.

At the age of seven Light explained one of the elder boys, that as they headed for high-school accompanied the children to the school, how to make an undetectable cheat sheet. Three days later, half the students paid him for cheat sheets' designs. In a week he had gathered more than ten thousand yen. When his father found out, he made him give the money back and personally spoke to the high-school's headmaster. That was the first time Light bought a book by himself. With six thousand yen he managed to hide from his father, Light acquired an advanced maths book. One month later, he had already grown tired of it.

Just as the maths book, when he reached secondary school he had grown tired of everything. Of course, his loss of interest had not made him falter. He kept his first place at the top students every year.

By the time he turned twelve, he gathered courage to correct his maths teacher for the first time. That was the same day that the headmaster suggested moving him forward a few years to his parents. They refused. Light felt frustrated for months, neither his parents nor anyone were able to see how slowly time went by for him. His only motivation was to access a position in the police that allowed him to escape from the world he saw himself trapped in. To find something else, a purpose.

As he grew up, maybe moved by a need of self-realisation, he went from viewing himself as a misfit to somehow feeling superior to the rest. That's why they didn't understand, why they couldn't see through his façade and his lies. In spite of all, he still kept some uneasiness he could not get rid of, a hole that, as much as he tried, wasn't filled. Boredom gnawed him.

Seeking for something to forget the emptiness, Light charmed a girl from another high-school to date him, that's how he lost his virginity. The experience didn't teach him anything he didn't already know, he felt nothing. At first. Then the rage came, he couldn't understand what was wrong, why nothing could satisfy him. A particularly bad afternoon, he started to cry like an idiot in his room, he didn't know how to deal with the impotence he felt. After some time, he found excuses, until he reached the conclusion that the world was rotten. He did not have any faith in humanity left, the few good people that existed would always be corrupted by the rest.

Just then, the notebook appeared.

Of course he thought he had been chosen, the moment seemed so perfect, when he had hit bottom a force far beyond this world rewarded him with a purpose.

Kira brought life into Light.

Or so he thought, that was, until he met L. He didn't know he had been waiting his entire life until he saw him at that exam. Suddenly, he felt like time had started to run, as if he had been a long time underwater, about to suffocate, and he finally got to the surface. He never thought that breathing would be something so different to what he had been doing. L gave meaning to everything, because he was the meaning. He would frustrate, anger, challenge, bother or confuse him, he would make him laugh, amuse him, interest him... things that he had already felt, but always were incomplete. With L he was never left hungry. That whole that couldn't be filled, heavy as a knot in the stomach, disappeared. When he spent time with L he stopped feeling the weight of the world, the boredom.

In spite of the danger, something inside him shook with an emotion close to exhilaration every time L saw through his lies, his façade. L knew him. Nevertheless, at the time he realised none of that, all those perceptions he became aware of later, were too covered by an alloy of titanium and hate. The world he built turned upside down when he lost his memories.

What only meant to be a deceit to murder L, turned into something uncontrollable and problematic. To the extent that every time L got close, he started to feel as if he had kept a perfect storm inside his chest. His skin trembled with an anticipation that was hard to silence. Light started to walk confused through each nook of his brain, rethinking absolutely everything, but he wasn't going to throw himself onto L. It wouldn't be appropriate. If L wanted a professional and friendly relationship, that's what he'd get.

But, just as it was programmed, Kira came back. Once the conflict appeared, his will and his purpose torn him. Fortunately, with the passing of the days, Light was able to cover his emotions with hate again and gather the courage necessary to carry on with his plan. Still, from time to time, he felt a jab in the heart that begged him to stop. Light ignored it.

When L met his unavoidable fate Light found his convictions reaffirmed, and, also, his biggest fears: he stood alone in the world, there would never be someone who knew him. The fact that, a week later, Ryuk told him shinigami could see the red string of fate didn't help. It also didn't do him well either when he hinted that his was tied to a certain person who had recently ceased to exist.

But Light was fine. Completely fine and had his conscience clear.

He could make it true repeating it enough.

Although he carried on with his life, that year without L had turned to be more unbearable than he had initially anticipated, still affected by his denial. That's why Light allowed his job to asphyxiate him, rather than the notion that what used to be L rotted six feet underground.

Fruit of a pitiful self-development, he started to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, so much that he had to resource to several massagists and a trustworthy physiotherapist in order to keep his spine straightened. Light tried to ignore the part of himself that repeated who used to suffer the same problem. But, hard as he tried, he couldn't repress the question that haunted him every second of the day.  _ ¿Did you use to feel this way?  _ He never got an answer.

It was when he drowned in silence, after yet another fruitless working day, that Light had to deal with his inner demons. Nothing could stand in the way of his goal, he kept that in mind. Nor no one. Nevertheless, the memory of a few conversations at 3 am pierced through the protective layers of his brain, as if they meant to say: “ _ we won't let you sleep to night, nor the next, and the next _ ...”. It seemed curious, in contrast with how mortified he felt, that Kira's nightmares disappeared after a few weeks, but Light's were engraved by fire on his skull.  _ Another night where we burn _ . He had never suffered recurrent bad dreams, until then.

But gods were thought not to dream,  _ and they weren't supposed to long for impossible realities _ . What did that say about his divinity? And, more importantly, what did wanting to bring a headache back to life say about him? Light didn't intend to insult his intelligence, but, maybe, this time his emotions were catching onto him, if they hadn't run over him already.  _ I don’t need them.  _

Light possessed a mind far too prodigious to be reduced by something as mundane as affection. 

But, still, with just a kiss L had achieved to leave him as a mass of shakiness and yearning for something he had never savoured. He held onto him pressing his fingers between his shoulder blades in a way that could only be described as desperate.  _ What does that say about me? _ Against what he expected, L matched him with the same degree of urgency.  _ What does that say about him, about both of us? _ L put the tip of his fingers on the back of his counterpart's neck, and went upwards slowly, opening grooves between the auburn locks as he applied pressure, to what Light couldn't help but to choke in a sigh.

“You are thinking hard about something” L said convinced, taking the chance to speak as they parted to take air.   
_Oh, yes, you'll see, I'm wondering whether or not you were right all along, but, still, I must fix the world, now that you are dead it's my responsibility, nobody else capable of it exists. Not any more. Or maybe I'm also thinking about how I cannot tell if I would choose again what I chose a year ago. Right now my life isn't worth it, it only serves one purpose, and the task weights too much. I can't bear this existence, all the people surrounding me don't understand, they never have_.   
“Don't ever leave again”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, if you have any particular requests for chapter 5, be sure to comment telling me!!!!  
> I know it might have been very angsty, but I felt like we needed to see how Light feels in context, and how that piles up, so that Light "breaking" a bit during the previous chapters was justified. Also, I think it adds narrative strength to the part with L and to exactly why he feels like that about L.  
> I wanted to depict Light's obsession with L, how he cannot live with him, nor without him, and that tears him apart. For that, I needed to show Light's life before L, how nothing was ever enough, and his life after him, of which we got a only a glimpse before (I'll be adding information about this last thing on every chapter, because L's death made Light extremely unstable (no self-harm/suicidal tendencies thought, I think that would be too much of a cliché, he is just tired).  
> Next chapter will be about Light rejoicing in L's presence !!!! :D  
> Until then.

**Author's Note:**

> I always thought that, after L, Light must have found life a bit boring. So this is me portraying their very complex relationship and the thing we barely get to see or read in the original work, which is the aftermath of L's death on the people he worked with. Specially Light, who got to be the closest to him (handcuffs, huh).  
> Romance and shipping aside, L was his first real challenge and an equal: something Light had been searching for his entire life, and had, at least partially, led him to believe that the world was rubbish. So, despite his unstable and corrupted mind state, he must have had a hard time after his antagonist's death. But, Light being himself, a sociopath and prideful individual, may had not even realised it.  
> Also, if anyone wants me to write about them without the shipping, with just a hate/friendship relationship, leave a comment saying so. If you liked it, please leave a comment and some kudos! They always give me tons of motivation, thanks for reading!!!


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